Home    |  Family Album   |   Office Album  |  Interesting Collection | Jitendra 's photo album | Shruti's photo album | Office Photo's |  Photo gallery |  Laughing section | Interesting Downloads | Taj Mahal photo Album  |  Wall Paper Album | Jitendra Resume | Neena Panchal Resume |  Jitendra's Book Marks |  Contact Me

Santa Singh at KBC.


We have our famous friend Santa Singh qualifying for the hot seat.
AB : OK Santa I congratulate you for this opportunity here with us.
Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fatah.Chak denge phatte aaj.Tusi start karo ji.
AB : OK Santa this is your first question for 1000 Rs. Which state has the largest sikh population ? and your options areA. PunjabB. PunjabC. Punjab D.
PunjabSanta : Oh ji how much time do I've to answer this question
AB : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can take your time
Santa (giggles) : Sir ji tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I wud like to use my lifeline.
AB : I'm not surprised on this , which one wud U like to use.
Santa : Audience poll
AB : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads, and your
timestarts now.After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board.A. 25%B. 25%C.25%D. 25%
AB :Santa ji, this is a no good situation for you, I can share your disgust here. Par kya karen janta to janardhan hoti hai. So you would like to go with which option.
Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya sirji aapki audience ne.I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50.
AB : Very good 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. Man me shanka ho to lifeline zaroor istemal karni chahiye, mein sab ko yehi salah deta hoon. (Getting closer to Santa and whispers in his ears ) Isi ke to paise milte hain mujhe.(Aloud) OK computer ji do galat jawab mita diye jayen.
Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab
Santa : Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein chodoonga nahi aaj isko.Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.
AB : Kamal hai Santa ji, I must congratulate you, YOu have broken a record of using all the lifelines in the very first question.This is great . OK phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahen ge aap.
Santa : My one and only one mera langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.
AB : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye. Aap dono ikkathe he kam karte hai.
Santa : Oh nahi ji ham dono pechle 6 saal se 10th mein fail ho rahe hain .

Badi pakki yaari hai ji hamari, wahe guru de kasam.
Phone rings. Banta picks it " Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adi raati, ???"
AB : Hello Banta ji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke Kaun Banega Crorepati se.
Banta : OOOOOOOOOO Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein #$^$%$#$%$%$&. Ke hal chal he sar ji.
AB : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath aur.................
Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gaya hoga,khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji.
AB : Aapko sirf tees second .,.............. chaliye mein aapko special case ke tarah treat karte hue 1 minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai aab.
Santa : Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??
Banta : oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud wala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez pehen gaya.Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap laye ga.
AB : Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.
Santa : Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ...................... (he tell him the quetion).
Banta : Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer mujhe aata hai. Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe.. Iska answer Punjab hai lallu.
Santa : oye par ......... (and the clock stops).
AB : Samay khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai , ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.
Santa : Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai.

cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees

Santa :"Yaar, where does the sun go at night?"
Banta :"It doesn't go anywhere. It remains there but due to darkness we can't see it."

Banta owned a large factory. He issued orders that only married men would be employed. When his friend Santa asked him the reason, Banta replied, 'Married men are more obedient

Banta Singh went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the waiter who came to serve him happened to be one of his classmate at school. Banta called him and said 'Aren't you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?'
'Not at all,' replied the classmate. 'I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.'

Banta showed his plam to a palmist . He examined the lines on Banta's hand & said,'A beautiful girl will come into your life, but be very careful.'
'Why should I have to be careful?' asked Banta. 'She should be careful of her life. I drive a Redline bus!'

Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They should nto put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.

Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall.
It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.)
Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass).

Do u know What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes

Do u know what surdarji will do if he wants a white paper
? (he
already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a Xerox of
the white paper !!!

Sardar's Answering Machine

A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it
home somewhere in Rajasthan,but two days later disconnected it
because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke
bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai" (Idiot! He's taking the phone and
saying he's not there.)

Sardar Gambles

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very
depressed.
"What happened ?" asked Surjit.
"Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . " "How come ?"
"Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England
was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win,
but I lost the bet."
" But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?" " Yaar, I
bet on the highlights too "

Parents

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their
parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
Banta singh : 'Yes, I have'
Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.'
Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead
sea?'
Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.'
Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.'

Sardar's and Jurassic Park

This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the
Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when
his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar
kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" (What Sardarji? Are you afraid
of the cinema?).Sardarji replies "Aadmi
hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar
hai, usko kya pata "( I am an intelligent(?) man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?)

Sardar Commits suicide

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks
and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops
him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why
do you take these things with you?).
Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na
marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)

Sardar and the donkey

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees
and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your
donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"
The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I
wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

Sardar and Mileage

A sardar from Delhi had an old car which had run for over a
1,00,000 kilometres. He wanted to sell it, but was not getting a
good price because of its excess mileage.
He approached a Madrasi friend of his and asked for help.
The Madrasi gave him an address in Chennai (Madras) and asked
him to visit a mechanic there. The mechanic would adjust the
meter so that it shows only 30,000 kilometres.
The sardar thanked him and left for Madras. For a few days,
the Madrasi didn't see the sardar. He assumed that the sardar
would have sold the car.
A few weeks later, the sardar came to see the Madrasi in
the same car. The Madrasi was surprised and asked - "What
happened? Why have you not sold your car yet?"
The sardar replied - "Why should I? It has run for only
30,000 kilometres."

Interview of a Sardar

Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there
on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the
interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa singh Then goes thru his
certificates and then starts asking him questions.
Following is the transcript :
O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials
I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can
answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some
opposites
S : Yes Sir.
Officer started asking questions
O : Above
S : Below
O : Front
S : Back
O : Left
S : Right
O : Male
S : Female
O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)
O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)
S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our sardar also spells it)
O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)
S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y......
Our sardar also shouts)
#Officer is now angry.
O : Get out
S : Come in.
O : Quiet please.
S : Talk please.
O : You are rejected.
S : I am selected ........ ....... and This is how Santa Singh got
his job.

Sardar and the barber

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy
so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees
to wake him up when the station arrived.
This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees ,
the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell
asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he
went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and
suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
Said his wife " What's the matter?"
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and
woken up someone else"

Chess

Santa Singh is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the Nuances of the Game etc. Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $ 500/- US"?
Santa: "But you're too damn good".
Gary: "I'll play left handed".
Santa cant resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov, Check Mates our Sardar in 8 Moves .......
Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane.
Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov.
Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You're an absolute fool Santa)
Santa: "kyon" (why)?
Banta: "Abe chooteye ........ Gary Kasparov Khabbu hai". (You ass hole, Gary Kasparov IS a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed).

Exam

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour". "But yaar", he says,
"I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I
wrote."

ZAIL SINGH LEARNS PSYCHOLOGY

Once Rajiv Gandhi was reading a book and Zail Singh happened to visit
him...
Zail Singh: What is that book about?
Rajiv Gandhi: Forget it.it's beyond you.
ZS: No please tell me...
RG: OK, it's about human psychology
ZS: What's that?
RG: See I told you to forget it!!
ZS: No please explain it to me.....
RG: OK it's like this ....Do you have a fishtank at home?
ZS: Yes
RG: Who feeds the fish in it?
ZS: My son
RG: Now I know that you're married!
ZS: Wow great yaar!!
ZS very impressed goes to Buta Singh
ZS: Today I learned something about human psychology!!
Buta Singh: Wow what is that!!
ZS: Forget it, it's beyond you!
BS: No please expain to me....
ZS: OK....Do you have a fish tank?
BS: No..
ZS: Then you're a homo!!!

Pres. Zail Singh buys some common sense

This is about a day when Mr. Zail Singh was the President of the country.
All sardars in the country went to him this day and told him that people tease them by making jokes about them that when the clock stucks 12:00,
all sardars go mad and act like crazy. They complained that this is not true. They also complained that people talk about sardar having no common sanse. Therefore, they demanded him to go bring for them common sense.
Mr. Zail Singh was confused and asked his secretary to give him some suggestions. The secretary advised him to go to Japan, since quality is guaranteed.
The next day Mr. Zail Singh rushes off to Japan. At the Osaka Airport he hires a cab and asks him to take him to a shop where he can get common sense.

The cab driver was pissed, he told him that there is no shop in Japan that sells such stuff. Infact every human being has common sense since birth. And that one should know how to make use of it. Mr. Zail Singh asked him to explain in detail.
He started explaining by giving an example. The example was that there are 4 members in his family, his wife, his son, and his daughter.
He then asked Mr. Zail Singh to guess the fourth members of the family. Mr. Zail Singh said, "How am i supposed to know who is the forth member in your family". The driver said, "fool, its me" Mr. Zail then understood and said,"oh! is this what common sense is?,

Indian sardars are fools and stupid, this is so easy"
The next day he goes back to India and announces all sardars to get together for a mass sardar lunch. He starts explaining with the same example. He says," there are 4 members in my family, my son, my daughter, and my wife, guess who is the fourth one?".

All sardars shouted, "We don't know".
he then yells at them,"You fools, stupid, good for nothing. It is so simple, the fourth member of the family is that taxi driver"

Train

Banta singh happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket
counter with a man ahead of him.
'Ek Punjab mail dena', (Give me one for the punjab mail) demanded
the man in front. He was given a ticket.
(*** Punjab mail is name of the train **)
Then came the turn of Banta singh ,' Ikk Punjab female dena '
'What do you mean by punjab female?' asked the clerk
'it is for my wife', replied Banta singh.